It's been way too long since I have posted here. Partly because I have no readers. But that's okay.

So what's going on? Well we've got mom, work, school, relationship, friends, family.

Mom- Not so much good news here. We've known for a while that the chemo isn't working but she just didn't want to give up. I feel like this is something I have been accepting since the beginning since I knew how bad it was from the start. I was always looking for the right way to deal with this because I didn't want some big crash when the whole thing went down. Put simply, people will need me. My younger sister has been going crazy in her own head. No one really knows what she thinks. Some days she'll be really helpful and some days she will be a completely selfish bitch. She's really going to need some help. My father is really bad at dealing with things. He is going crazy all the time and I just feel like some people are going to need some guidance and a strong figure to look up to and I want to be that person. My mother is on morphine, pain patches, anything you can imagine and not much works. It's a work in progress. The key is just enjoying the time we have left. This will most certainly be her last Christmas. So I hope she is happy with it.

Then comes my older sister. I'm actually not going to say much. I don't want to get in a bad mood. She's bat shit crazy. I don't even want to list all of the things that she does. But my father informed me tonight that he is pretty sure he doesn't want Lauren or Edwin here for the holidays. I say good. He said he wanted just the five of us (mom, dad, Michelle, me, and Jamie) to have a nice dinner. My mother told me that both sets of Grandparents will make appearances on Christmas Eve as well but it will not be like the blowouts we have every year. On one side, it's sad... on the other side, whatever she wants. I just want her to be comfortable. I am speaking to Lauren less and less. I'm trying to stay out of things. But if she puts stress on my mother, I'll flip.

Work is going pretty well actually. Going to work for my father actually saved my relationship with him big time. Lately, I'm getting recognition for doing a good job by him and all of my coworkers.

School is going as well. I'm getting a B so far in the one class and the other one doesn't have many grades but all of them are good. I have to pay bills and who knows what life is going to be like in the spring. I was planning on doing school full time but I don't know what's going to be needed of me around here. Getting my degree is still #1 on my list of priorities. I'm going to be taking as many classes as I can before it consumes my life because I need to get this over with.

Personally, I have up days and down days. It's completely based on stress. It sucks because when I am at my best, I know I'm fun to be around, I'm nice and caring and patient. Some days I get annoyed when people just talk to me. The last few days I've actually been able to put some things in perspective... with some help of course. I've set this week as a lifting point for me. I actually like my life a lot if I think about it.

My friends, well, I don't know. I know I haven't done anything wrong to anyone. Everyone is just really busy with work and life in general. Joe's the only one I'm disappointed with. But whatever. People show their true colors, I'm fine.

Relationship? Well, what can I say. I don't think that Jamie and I have really any of the problems that most couples have. A lot of people have fights. I don't know what we have. Of course it's not fun while it's happening. But afterwards it can be funny. What's it all for? I mean, for the first time, I feel like I can express myself and be myself in a relationship.I've never had that. And I've said it a bunch of times; It's hard to adjust to someone actually giving a crap. Jamie has that issue as well so it's not just me. Her last relationship went a certain way and she had been reluctant to 'let me in' in a sense. But the bottom line is... with what I have going on with my mom and my family, and what she has going on with her health and her family, the fact that we've been able to help eachother so much and maintain an amazing relationship is something that shouldn't be overlooked. I feel like when me at 22 and her at 24, we've both had way too much adversity in our lives for our young ages. We both put in a lot of hard work and I know the day we finally get a place together and unpack and sit down for our first minute to relax, we will realize that it really all paid off. Our "honeymoon" stage lasted a lot longer than I've seen in my friends' relationships and I've had to adjust to the way things are all settling down. And no, I don't feel like a 'kid in a candy store' anymore. But I shouldn't. Neither should she; we're adults. So what has t his relationship turned into? I feel like I have someone that I can trust no matter what. We can handle eachother and work with eachother in any situation. Through bad times and good times it seems like we can get through anything. She listens, tells me what's on her mind, and helps me work through things and I like to think I do the same for her.

She's got a lot going on with her life and her health and all I want is to be a good support system for her. One thing's for sure; no matter how bad a day can get... I know when she smiles at me, everything just feels okay. And I absolutely love her for that.

Well I guess that's it. My back hurts and I'm going to have to go to bed soon.

Take care.

It's been a while since I posted.

So what's been going on?

I'll start with the depressing stuff so I can finish on a high note.

Mom: She's not doing so great. Since I last posted, my father and aunt have both confirmed that she's not going to be getting any better. She had her ninth chemo treatment on Friday and hit the wall immediately. Then she was having severe stomach and back pains and she felt nausius. Mrs. Tkac and some family members were trying to get her to go to the hospital but she wouldn't. Today she claimed she felt a little better but I could tell she was hiding something. I guess the only thing to do is try to cheer her up and make things comfortable for her.

Work: I only spent about five minutes in the office today. I had to go to Mt. Olive to take pictures of this guys house which was a dump. Then I got back and had lunch at home and went to Kean to figure things out, more on that later, then went to Aunt Rose's apartment to set up her new Comcast Digital Cable. Work's been going pretty well. I don't care that I'm getting underpaid at least I'm getting noticed. Just have to get that money saving thing down!

School: Things actually worked out pretty well today. I spent a few hours at Kean talking to people and filling out papers and I will be taking some non matriculated courses there this fall. If it goes the way I want it, it'll be online courses. Then I will be taking even more in the spring and working my way towards that degree. 

Concerts: Last week Jamie and I saw the Bouncing Souls... one of her favorite bands. I don't really know a lot of the words to the songs so it was tough to decipher when one song would go into another but I had an awesome time. Wednesday, we are going to see Blink and then a small show up in Bayonne on Thursday. Shore for the weekend again.

Jamie: Things are going better than I could have imagined. I really have nothing to complain about. We have had a few discussions about some things that might bother us a little. But nothing major. It's just us getting to know eachother even more. We've been going to Normandy just about every weekend which is nice. I think the last time we didn't spend the whole weekend together was after the Mae show at the end of May. We are being spoiled with that too. The nights we spend away from eachother are lonely haha. The good thing is now with me getting back on track to finishing school, a degree and move into an apartment is in sight. I can't wait for that for many reasons. I am so stressed at home. Lately I haven't been handling my mother's situation very well and things are tense here and people are less and less getting along. The only time I'm really stress free and happy is when I'm with Jamie. But I'm still taking care of business and getting things done. Jamie is working on getting a job that will pay her more and give her benefits as well. My goal is to do the best I can and make a lot of money so she really doesn't have to worry about it. That would be very nice. I just love every single second I spend with her. We can either be really cute and romantic, or laughing and joking around like best friends. She's a simply awesome person that I feel I could go anywhere and do anything with. I almost feel cocky like "my relationship is better than yours" kind of thing. Of course I don't really feel crazy like that... I'm just, simply, happy. And that's been something I have been looking for for a long long time. I like to tell her that a lot... I hope I'm not being overbearing with that kind of thing... I really do it because I feel a certain way and really can't find the words to describe it. Maybe that's what love really is... Well whatever it is, it's there. She's a little hard to read sometimes though. She's not really outgoing with expressing her feelings so I really don't know how she feels when I say things. But she's ridiculously adorable. 

Well that's just about it for me. Tomorrow I have a full day of work and then I'm hangin with Jamie which will be nice. I'd like a hug right about now lol....

So today is Wednesday July 8th 2009. 

I am at work right now supposed to be setting up this West Orange file but I could honestly give a crap because I have until 5pm to get that done.

I'm going to go over to UCC after work to see if I can get my class switched to this online business class. I cannot sit in a 3.45 hr class after an 8 hour work day. I can't concentrate at all or get any work done. With an online class I can do it at work, in bed at night, whenever I have some free time. It certainly makes my schedule a lot more flexible. 

How are things goin? My mother just had her seventh chemo treatment. She hit the wall pretty early. Her steroids only gave her a boost for a day and she has been in bed since yesterday. This was a lesser dose of chemo so I think she'll pull out of it relatively quickly. But we'll find where we're at soon after she gets some more tests done.

I have been getting some tests done. I was having stomach issues and I've gotten a blood test, ultrasound, and a nuclear test on my gall bladder. Everything has come out normal which at least means I'm healthy and have basically just an upset stomach and I have to find out what food does it to me. 

Coming up tonight I will have class... maybe. If I can get this switched to the online class, I won't have to go over to Cranford at all. I'll be happy with that. Tomorrow I'll have work from 9-5 and then go up to Bayonne to see Jamie. Friday I'll have work from 9-5 then I go get Jamie so we can hang out and sleep at my house. Saturday is the MeiGray Expo at 9 am so we have to be up early. I'm excited to get an authentic jersey. Of course I would be happy with a Devils jersey, but maybe I'll get an interesting team that I'll keep. Saturday night is my cousin Christina's 21st birthday party so we will definitely be a little drunk haha. Sunday we have some shows to watch... True Blood, Entourage...

I'm also trying to get as much money as I can through paychecks, saving, and now selling things. I have a lot of large college books and other things that I'm going to look to unload on e-bay. The main goal is an apartment with Jamie... but being able to fund a decent amount of games for our partial ticket plan would be awesome as well.

Speaking of the apartment, I couldn't be happier with how things have unfolded. Jamie and I are doing wonderfully and we are having a lot of fun together. I've seen that planning the future can take the fun out of the present but not with us. We are having so much fun together and we actually have a schedule for when we hang out which is about 5 days a week which I am LOVING. And now we have goals together. We are going to help eachother keep track of our finances and save together and hopefully get an apartment together in Newark ASAP. We are already talking about how to decorate it and making rules for sending people to our penalty box. And of course, sending eachother to the penalty box haha. Things keep getting better and better as I am convinced I have the coolest girlfriend on the planet... .and also a fantastic best friend. I definitely love the hell out of her. 

We have a lot coming up. This weekend, next weekend probably at the beach, Ace Enders concert, Bouncing Souls, Blink 182... we are definitely going to take a little vacation this summer even if it's to NYC which we were planning. 

I should probably get some work done... I've been here for an hour and have typed about three lines of info. Yippee!



 

Mondays suck. I am sitting hin class now listening to this guy talk about God knows what. I don't care. I really don't. I have a job with a successful future. I just want a degree. Trying to make this go as fast as possible so I can move out of the house as well.

So uhhh this weekend was amazing. Jamie and I went down to the shore house. We knew the weather was going to be bad but we both just wanted to get away and spend some time together without being bothered. Interestingly enough my grandparents weren't really that bad. They left us alone for the most part.

We got to lay on the beach Friday night which was nice... other than that, it was mostly relaxing in my room watching movies. Paul Blart mall cop SUCKS by the way. But every time I see Jamie it's better and better. This girl is fan-freaking-tastic. I'm at the point where when i have to spend a night alone in bed, it's almost TOO depressing.

Friday is the draft party which I am excited for. Instead of getting a stick, I'm going to go for some wear-able merch. I have a lot of things I need to save money for. Jerseys for me and Jamie, deposit for tickets, apartment, and other things. This summer just seems like it is going to kick ass. A lot of beach trips, already a mae concert, Devils stuff, blink-182, bouncing souls!, Ace Enders!, maybe more? And maybe a little vacation if the time and money is right?

I'll be kicking off the fall with Joe at a DMB concert and then hockey season comes! Jamie and I are getting a partial plan and will be at the arena all the time during the season and I can't wait. It's nice to have a girlfriend that shares my obsession for the Devils.

My older sister is an ass hole. That's all that needs to be said. Disappoinment...

I've been praying for Gabe. He is still in critical condition but the doctors have high hopes for him and say that this isn't fatal. Rehab and more surgery is on the horizon for him. I'm going to go visit him soon.

Since I've been home in January I have lost friends and gained friends. I'm really happy where I am right now. I've never really been able to say that I have a lot of friends but I feel like I do now. 

 I really don't have much else to say for now. 

Okay so I have my laptop in class to see if this three and a half hour lit class will go faster...
What's going on in my life now?

I've had two "friends" come out of the woodwork at the same time trying to come back into my life. I'm not too sure how I feel about it. It would be easier if these were just acquaintances that I can drop wth no worry, but these are two individuals that I have known for about 10 years each. 

Only one of the two have acknowledged that they did something wrong and appologized for it. My instinct is to just let everything go and welcome everyone with open arms because I really don't have the time or desire to deal with bullshit. That is the path to be getting stepped on again. 

Well I guess they will get a tryout period and if they don't have a positive affect on my life, they're out. For good.

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As for my mother, she has her 6th chemo treatment on Friday. Originally she was only suppose to have four or five. This one was deemed necessary as she isn't having any visible physical progress.... The radiation killed the cancer in her brain which is good news, but now there's the lungs and liver to worry about. It is still a wait and see approach. After this sixth treatment on Friday, then they will give her tests and evaluate the situation to see where we go next. If the chemo hasn't done much, then we're in trouble... she can't take any more chemo... the one she has been getting is a really strong dose and the body can't take any more than what she's had. 
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As for Jamie, things are going better than I could imagine. Without being mushy and annoying, she's just a down to earth really cool girl. She is so much fun to hang out with and talk to and she gives me the opportunity to be myself and that is probably the most important thing to me. I've never been able to relax in my past relationships for fear of being judged, but Jamie is really easygoing. I can be a little weird but with her I know I can just say what's on my mind and not be judged for it. Besides being an amazing girlfriend, she's like a best friend too. I've never had that quality in a relationship and that's why they never worked out. This is different. I can't help but wish there was a way to fall asleep with her everything. She can be mad at me now for saying all of this lol 

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As for me, work is going well, I'm steadily losing weight. My wardrobe is growing very fast because more stuff fits now, and I feel really good about myself.

Just did some online clothes shopping... got some casual shorts and shirts, an Elias t shirt, a Dany Heatley Sens shirt, a cool black Devils shirt, a Nordiques shirt, and a Canadiens shirt. And shoes that Jamie picked out. 

I should probably go back to paying attention to class. I have nothing left to say... Two and a half more hours to go.

 Okay, so this is going to be my medium choice to write down all of my thoughs and such just so everyone can read how freaking weird I am. 

I'm really not in the mood to write a long entry. So I'm just going to touch on how things have been from January til now. 

In January I was a damaged person coming out of a horrible relationship, leaving school with no job and no degree and going home to a very sick mother and an uncertain future. Now here, on June 3rd (Happy birthday Grandma!) I am taking a class, I have a 9 to 5 job making money, my mother is doing well, and I've been able to find out who my real friends really are as well as start a relationaship with a sweet and absolutely gorgeous girl. Things are going well, yes. 

More to come...